went back nanyang twice during thier orientation. once was thier movie night which showed x men 2. the other was the disco night. and on both occasions.. i feel that i really like my old class even with the new people. in fact. the new people add more style and flavour and fun to the class. but with me gone.. of course not as fun la. haha. guess what. of the 12 new classmates ( 12 old 12 new? ) i know like. most of them? rudi from my og is now in my class.. lester.. the monfort bballer who crashed almost everyday for first three months.. zixuan aloy.. buddies from chungcheng.. derrick.. victoria guy i know through robotics.. the old people who are still in the class. and of cos many other new people whom i started to get closer with.. say teck ming? i don't know how to spell or pronounce his name but to me it seriously doesnt matter. somehow. i feel that i know him from long ago. like a long lost friend. and like. just one or two sentences makes me so aqquainted to him alr. i know that sounds gay. but its rare to find people whom you can suddenly click so well with. the thing is. you've nv met nor spoke to him before. but when u realise you all have just one common similarity.. you'll just hit off well already. thats cool. esp since just now we had lunch together after dragonboat.. i find it a waste not to be his good friend or to be his classmate. cant to much to regret though. im a tjcian now.

each time i crash ny. im left with soo much thoughts.. nostalgia.. and like.. thoes sad sad sorrowful feelings. thoes you get when you graduate from your previous institution. like you miss primary sch when you go sec sch. and you miss sec sch when you're in jc. you miss the place. cos its ur comfort zone. cos it's where you grew up. it's whr u sweat.. cried.. had fun at.. made friends at and you'd experience all the other possible emotions there. tt forms a strong bond.. like a sense of belonging to the area. like you own the place. its your own territory. now that your sense of ownership is removed from you.. you still yearn for it.. you still have the habit of thinking you have it.. you take the whole place for granted. despite all these whiny whiny gay feelings.. you feel excited because you have progressed one step further. you are stepping onto new unfamiliar grounds. the mystery just sends a sense of thrill. its brings like.. anticipation.. mystery... new traditions.. new experiences.. tt's exactly how i feel now abt stepping out from nanyang to tj. the yearn for the NY ownership is there. esp since now there are new people. and its a difference scenario now with academics playing a more impt role and studying kicks in. studying systems change.. and you wish you can stay to exprience the proper studying system. tt's how i feel. yet , like what i've said.. you want to try out tj's sch culture too. the studying system.. making friends and all.. i get i'll just have to move on with life. i chose to tj. i sticked to it. i dint appeal back to ny. and of cos. i gotta live with tj. not that i hate tj. or anything. but its just that i miss ny. just like how people might miss thier sec sch now.

this results in me wanting to crash ny often.. keepin in touch with ny friends to find out abt the happenings in ny. i even would want to train with nanyang draonboat every week. i dont know if i cant take it. whther i haf the time. whether it will affect my studies. but.. its a "want". i want to. i want to train with them and be part of ny dragonboat. i like the toughness.. the physically challenging trials and training. the feeling you get when you're rowing.. when you're scolded.. when you push yourself. when you tell yourself you have to prove your worth.. when you know if you slack or stop. you affect people around you. and that people behind you are lookin at your every movement to keep with the coordination. i know im not alone. since there are others who crash ny dragonboat even more regularly than me. there are thoes who are no more in ny but still crash ny like they still are in ny. crash thier cca.. crash oreintation or whatever. they might even represent ny to join comps.

i'll do it too whenever possible. if like there's any sch event. i'll prob try and make it. to get the ny spirit again. catch up with ny.. and to meet up with friends. seriously. if only i can get to know all the new classmates. and pretend that im part of the class. i know its not possible. but i dream of like. going to every class outing possible... having lunch like every week or going out to study together. that'll be great. not to mention i can go dragonboat with them. well. i guess. i'll leave it at that. im not complaining. im not. i cant. and i wont. im just commenting. not lammenting. pick up the mess ( mess is a wrong word. there's no mess but im just following the phrase) and move on.

now in tj. i would say im still adapting? trying to adapt..adapting.. or adapted . i dont know. i just want to be hapy in tj. like i am everywhere else. and quite importantly. i want to be myself. like my usual. i dont want to have to pretend or act something else i know im not to suit to the enviroment. that sucks. its not natural. iits very fake and artificial. tj is still new to me. i dont know where the toilets are. what the tradition or culture is. the oreintation just provided fun. a brief scrape through on the sch spirit and stuffs like that but not in detail. i guess such things have to be explored individually. i seriously dont know what cca to join. stop askin or telling me to join dragonboat. im made to like dranboat because of ny. because i join ny dragonboat. i may not like it itself if im else where. furthermore. tj has no dragonboat. even if it has. i might not join it. people are telling me to join badminton. im thinking abt it. i just fear the streneous training. long training hours that ends at like 7 plus. and when i reach home. its 8 plus almost 9. how to study or even slack? one thing abt tj. i really take an hour to reach home. tt sucks. i reallly rather ny travelling hours which is half an hour exactly.

i cant comment on tj notes since i havent been reading them. i know the pace is faster. and they epect you to know everything. i realise that tj expects you to have first three months. for you to have prior knowledge from sec sch. for you to study on your own. for you to be smart. its not the case in ny. since ny is ranked lower. and takes high l1r5 intakes. they cant have such expectations. i guess for ny. the make up leactures are probably at a slower pace. like reeally teaching everything. cos they expect some students to not have first three months. but in tj. they expect the students to have first three months and expect them to have learnt to topic with the first three months. so they just skim through. like refresh memory. not teach. more of like revise. thats GENERALLY the case. and by logic. it just make sense. i can just imagine in RJ. or HCI or even VJ. maybe like just throw you notes. and like. take half our make up lecture session. say we use 1 hr for one topic. they use 1/2 hour. haha. thats reality.

i have to study. i have to do my notes. i have to chiong and finish the previous tutorials the first three months people have done. i have to study more since i slacked my first three months away. i have to catch up. i have to bond with the classmates. i have to think of a new cca to join. i have to adapt to tj. so many things. at such a fast pace. i know i can do it. and i will do it. i will seek help if i need it. now we are given the projectwork questiion paper. it is a proper examination paper from A LEVELS. its the proper question paper. its an exam. and its started. i dont know what im doing here. i should be preparing for it. like i did for o levels. pls dont let me slack. dont let me drop in my standards. cos im alr slow. i need to learn and learn fast. pick up the pace the tempo and endure to the end. its really like dragonboat.

today one is freakin cool. i was on j2 boat. pace damn fast. damn triing. damn torturing. damn shiok. pain like shit. suffer like shit. get scolded like shit. and the feelin sucks. every thing sucks. but i like it. i just lurve it when you come out from the boat. and you feel the bulging arms.but stil.. i feel pain and numbness. and the heat. burning sensation on the skin. tired and all. thats really dragonboat training. for starters. waarm up. i did 100 push up. 100 crunches. 100 torsle raise. the 100 pumping made me wake up. im no longer my usual fitness. im no longer as strong as i tot i am. im no longer as strong as i was. i thought it would be no kick. it was no kick to me in the past. no nore more. not anymore. i must train up. i must get it back. im damn disappointed. after doing 2-3 sets. i go down. cannot come up. like fuck. wheres my strength. i really have to stuff myself more. eat more. get the body mass then train. im damn sad abt this. damn disappointed. you dont know what i expect from myself. i don think you understand what im talking about here. i just need motivation.

feels empty la. knowing not many real close friends in tj. i know it will change. but now no. i know i got friends. close or not im not sure. but in time to come. there will be. i will have i will make it happen. i just need more time. and chances to open up. i want to be me in this new area.

i hope dad's doing well in china. everythings going smoothly for him. he will succeed. just like i will. god bless him and me.