its ironic.

his nick spells he wants to be a happy man. good for him. unknown to him however, is the fact that his happiness comes at the expense of mine. because he just want to live life the way as it is now which is to continue ignoring me, dao'in me, neglect and total ignore my existence and pretend this guy ( i once thought a close friend ) is not around. he just wants to to continue talking to claire. continue being normal friends with her ( if not more than friends ) continue building slowly but surely the bridge over the gap that was left unmended about two months back. he slowly gaining the momentum and amending his ways to try and fill the holes left in the friendship with claire. yes. he is a happy man. HE WILL BE HAPPY MAN. by the above elaborated way, he wants to be a happy man. but again, i repeat, its at the expense of my happiness.

i wont forget how he told me he wanted to get his dad to bring me and him out together to have a meal together. a good one. i have never doubted his taste for foood. never once did he let me down with his reccomendations. i was sincerely touhed when he told me the reason to the invitation of having a meal with his dad. according to him, he's dad would bring he's closest friend at that point of time to have a good meal satisfying the taste buds and filling the second largest organ in the body aka the stomach. like i said, it will definetly be a pleasure. one for the honour of having to have a meal with this great guy's dad and to get to know more about this close friend and the guy who brought him to this earth. and two. for probably getting a free meal from a hidden food paradise that makan sutra has probably missed out when they did their filming for the season. how touched i was to know that this special treat didnt come along often and was only bestowed on CLOSE friends of his. i was so touched i felt awkwardly gay at that point of time.

now, oh how i missed that feeling. i dont mind losing the status of being the close friend in his heart anymore. im seeing slowly that random people like joe is becoming even closer to him than i am. i dont mean harsh feelings when i use random. i use random like since neither of them have the same pdp nor share the same class. i know for one my close friend has the same taste and liking for the same girl or rather same type of girl as i do ( eg. amanda ), share the same liking for heavy beat music and nigga's rapping like T.I in justin timberlake's My Love, share the same liking for nigga songs like Run it, Take the Lead or even Chillin' with my Bitch and so on.., share the love for great food ( ok maybe he's more demanding than me considering he has more exposure to good food than me ) share the love for volleyball and so on. I can seriously go on but to third parties like you reading this post now wouldnt really connect with. cos like i said. u r the third party. you can never really feel how much we share in common and taken a fancy for similar items/objects/thing/female companion. so you cant really feel the bond i share with him. (even if he dont seem to cherish them now) i hold them truly and dearly to me heart.


what doesn't make sense to me is. how iniatially. he chose to ignore and give this cold treatment to both me and claire where he now suddenly stops and changes his decision and starts to become neutral or at the very least talks/sms to claire now. what i cant comprehend is. why does he chose to stop his cold treatment only on claire? why cant he just lift this curse im experiencing off me? How come despite the many efforts to strike a conversation with him, talk to him, be neutral to him or at least try to talk him round attempts seeem to be so totally useless? i cant help but recall the one time at bouldering area where me, jingwen, chicken him and jianming just suffered sun burns on our backs and he was sharing hes after-suntan lotion. ( im not even sure if he intended for me to use it or if he was willing to let me use it ) chicken, me jian ming and him were like topless and moaning about the pain, irritation and itch the sun burn was causing. thus he swept the bottle of lotion out to use. there they were, jianming and him both helping each other apply the lotion on each other backs. i went there being really thick skinned and all and asked meekly for some. ( i dont think he even knows or bothers ) and when i got it. i wanted so much to ask him to apply for me. but he simply walked off after he and jianming were done. fuck you if you think this is gay. if u can remember your dad holding ur penis to pee when you were 4 years old and you dont call that gay masturbating for you. and i would more than classify a friend applying some healing liquid medicine on your back where its hard for you to reach as showing tender loving care. in the end, (not that im complaining) chicken had to do it for me. now that, i feel damn gay.

i felt still felt this ever present animosity he had for me. i felt this barrier he has put up against me. all around him. shielding and avoiding me whenever possible. i think im wrong. since he doesnt avoid me. but simply ignore my god damn presence around him which i find all too painful for me to handle. nevertheless, feeling better and relieved from the irritation from the lotion i commented to him: " hey after applying i feel better already leh." to which came a monosyllabic reply :" huh. orh. okay." And then he just carried on without batting an eyelid towards me with his conversation with his new found (closer friend than i am to him) jianming. im not insulting or dispensing whatever close friendship he has for jianming. im just doing petty and envious comparisons of how he treats others ( in this case maybe jianming) so much better than how he treats me. you compare this to how he treats joshee when we were at philips place for CNY. hell, he played with the dog, threw things for her to fetch and smoother and pat and pamper her like she truly existed. what the fuck? i dont deserve that? i seriously wouldnt even mind if he fucking threw his pearl velcro on the mat and tell me to fetch with my mouth. AT LEAST for that i knew he accepted my existence as a living being (nevermind human or not). it beats getting dao'ed, ignored, neglected and everything else i've been experiencing even since two months back. you add the fact that just PERVIOUSLY only. just the moment before he decided to do this to me. we were like the closest gays. i went to his house im sure more than the number of times joe and jianming has added up together. i fucking slept on his parquet floor of his room with his dirty EM KEKE as my freaking pillow. i fucking got shocked when his brother Gigg played the hardgay toy with me where the fucking hardgay idiot just suddenly popped and jumped out like a jack in the box. he swore to show and watch the show 24 with me which he more than once tried to convince me it was a freaking good show. the words he used, his language, his usual dramatic ethics, his usual loud and flambouyant self, his usual expressive and hand-filled expressions is ever so vivid when he was describing the show. how i find it hard to forget. that time we hougang mall with jingwen and the rest when i was still slurping on my sweet talk and waiting outside the watch shop for rongjun and weicheng.

and when i saw that philip had the vcd 24 when we visited him on CNY. my first reaction was to tell him. nevermind the fact that he hasnt gotten over being angry with me and it was still the "i shall fucking ignore ur presence period" i turned and shouted for him and showed him the discovery i made on the cd rack. "a mere oh this show is damn good" was all i got. how could he have ever forgotten describing the show to me? how could he have ever forgotten attracting so much attention inside hougang mall where he acted like part of the terrorist in the show holding on to a fucking MP5? how could he have ever forgot that he swore to let me watch the vcd at his place on some random hangover night? how could he have ever forgotten sharing with this friend of his, who treasures this friendship so much, that he has already convinced him of the brilliance of the fucking terrorist show 24? and yet. at the spur of the moment. he simply seemed to only want to give a reply with the "get over and done with" sort of attitude and then just walk past and continue with his plan of "i shall fucking continue ignoring the carbon dioxide coming out of your nose".

he is the only guy in climbing club other than chicken whom i know had a direct connection and interaction with my dad. chicken has been like my 5 yr friend so it would be unfair to include him in this comparison. the night where my dad came to pick me up after training and i was still eating my sliced fish rice with soup later dinner at around 9.30pm that very wednesday. my dad saw him and started talking. "so have you ever spoke to the rocks when you were climbing?" to which he duly gave his signature reply.. "errrrrrrrrr. no." in that deep and hoarse and coarse and husky voice. and then my dad had to return with this ecentric christian-ish reply: " because the rock is jesus." yes. it was so ultimate no link to me that it was ever since embedded in my mind. and how he told me how fucking weird that conversation was and how he felt my dad was funny. i would never forget that bizzare incident. the fact that my dad was here to pick me up. meant he would have walked up to me to announce my arrival and for me to leave with him in the family car. and that fact that he spoke to my dad. with cow's inference skill you can deduce that he was sitting right infront of me. how rare, sorry, how NEVER can you find him being within 5 metre radius of me. translate thoes coordinates and vector bearings you have on the hawker centre we usually frequent after training means that he has now never shared the same table as me. even if he did. he was probably because of my desperate and dire attempts to try and close up on him and he was left with no more options and spaces to seat at. otherwise whenever possible, he probably had this "i dowan to fucking share the same oxygen with this idiot" attitude.

when claire had a cold war with him at micasa. when she refused to spoke to him i cant rmb why. i was the middleman. if im not wrong the humanly side of me or rather one human characteristic of mine, one sympathetic trait of mine told me to try and patch things up. there i was consoling him telling him that wasnt to the end of the relationship he had with claire. and there i was on the phone convincing claire to talk to him. need help? rewind to scene MY ROOM of choonwei weicheng and junyu. and pepper him the guest appearance of mr kelvin who said he liked gossiping with me and the omni-present limzy who followed kelvin wherever kelvin went in micasa. and stop at the part where i was complaining about my experiences with another guy whom i felt at serious issues against me. i wont forget how rongjun was trying to convince me that i was being sensitive and the guy i was complaining about had no sensitive nerves or feelings whatsoever at that point of time. and how junyu was the silent killer who only made comments and remarks and with each rare statement that he did make from his mouth was ever so striaght to the point. how limzy was slowly soaking up all the gossips in climbing club without daring to make a noise for fear of getting chased out. how kelvin was enjoying the company of the friends he had and enjoying every moment of that gossip session. how injust i felt being treated badly by that guy i was complaining about. and HOW HE WAS LAMENTING on ending the relationship he had with claire. on the otherhand i was lying to claire saying that he felt really apologetic and was sorry for what wrong doings he had done leading to the result of she dao;in him. and how he had given up on po'in and trying to patch things up. i wont forget how he insulted me that only i would stopp so low to please a girl. and he made the statement :" my father told me nu ren bu ky yi hong de" or sth to this extent which i am very sure and can bet my life on. he was so full of himself and was so indignant and didnt want to apologetic or willing to bow his head down to whatever he might have done wrong (which till this point is still subjective) i seriously wont forget him saying that "come on la darren only you wil stoop so low" and sth like saying " nan ren yao you nan ren de zhun yan" saying we should have mans pride and whatever shit i cannot remember but it was in reply to my constant requests for him to apologise to her and po her. i rmb all this because just one week before the trip claire got tricked into believing that i lost my handphone and she was really furious after finding out the truth. i told him that i was the pathetic loser who went on my knees to beg for forgiveness despite the fact that i did not want anything to have happened and that i did not intended for that trick to have taken place. and yet im apologising for my friends wrong doing and one that was done while i was having my hair cut and did not know about the incident till after my hair-cut sesssion was over. i wont forget how he was initially pissed at me also caused when i called him to try and explain things to him and claire ( they were tgr at bouldering area while i was at katong cuttin hair) since claire refused to pick up my call feeling angry and all about being cheated. and thus i resorted to callin him on his phone. his initial reaction was to curse me and hang up the phone. i called the second time choosing to trust that at that point of time he was the more rational one to listen to me and with him i would hav more hopes of getting my situation across that i did not know what happened at all to emotion-filled claire who is not rational when she is emotional. i called the second time and desperately yelled for him to listen to me, not hang up the phone and to hear me out. true enough, he didnt hung up the phone and could even tell me to trust him that he would pacify her. im recalling this incident cos i was the ever pathetic one going on my knees to ask for forgiveness whenever there was such situation nevermind if i was in the wrong or not. i told this to him at micasa. hoping for him to do likewise at that point of time to salvage the situation he had with claire.

and now. lol. its a joke now how he can openly talk to claire now. while i dont get that honours. the effort is inversely proportional i tell you. efforts made to try and talk to him, strike a conversation with him leads to me gettin zero results. on the other hand claire does nothing and yet he chose to end the cold war with her and not me. why is this so? why is it i have to "di shen xia qi" and yet recieve no results. yet claire who despite making her choice ( which by right should induce and invoke more feelings against him ) and not making any apparent attempts to talk to him (to me) . still lead to the ultimate untanglement of the knot in the relationship? is this justified?

at one point of time when he wasnt talkin to both of us. we were suffering. and yet when there was a slightest sign of acceptance of his part on either claire or me, im happy. now. im forced to be happy cos he's finally talkin to claire. do i have the right as a guy, as a friend to feel jealous? jealous of claire and jealous of him? jealous of claire since she finally gets acceptance from him and that he has stopped ignoring her. and jealous of him cos he gets to talk and converse and do everything openly with her now and yet i dont? if i do. tongues will wag and neither of us feels comfortable. so why can he just lead his normal life while i hav to go out of way to maybe have a small talk with claire without being accused of having sth with her?

he was the one who initiated who demanded for me" to be a man" and wanted to me to take actions if not it would be torturous for him to see me not "treasure what i have" now im doing it. is he satisfied? his treatment on me makes me question my decision and seriously makes me think twice. ive done and is doing what he wanted me to but he now chooses to ignore me after ive taken his words. what is this? not doing what he said = gettin reprimanded not treasuring what i have. after claiming what i rightfully deserve i get tortured by his sufferings. wtf?

everyone in the club. first thing step into the bouldering area in the morn of road run and just after the road run gets treated to pineapple tarts. while i am not openly invited nor asked nor allowed to have any portion of it i was left to quietly steal some when he wasnt around. despicable act? lowly? thief? i just figured i wanted to try some of my friend's mother's cooking. as simple as that. yet i couldnt have the luxury of doing it openly. for fear of rejection. i had to resort to such lowly means to derive satistaction by the tarts on my taste buds but at the risk of gettin seeen and giving him the impression that i did it without being asked to. everyone was treated to it. personally. verball by him. thoes he declined were forced by him to try. even random people like arvin who merely made a rare guest appearance of about 5-15mins and kellyn who didnt stayed longer than 5 secs. were asked to try. i WASNT EVEN FUCKING LOOKED AT. fuck this. fuck this little rat here scattering for food ( good food at that ) and have to consume only when owner's not around. fuck this rat who doesnt deserved being called by the name and fuck this rat who doesnt deserve to be even looked at. he probably didnt even looked in my way in my directions and thoes who were behind of infront of me probably suffered until they walked away from me.

fuck this post for taking 2 hrs of my time figuring ouy my blogger account and password. and taking so fucking long to complete and edit. for that. im not even finished and im feelin screwed up. everything is going down hill.

fucking got a 0 for maths vectors test. 8th in mock comp vs an expected 5th by philip. screwed up swollen fucking painful fingers which cant fucking climb now. fucking stupid endurance which i cant even finish the blue endurance route and cant even pass 21. fucking one more day to phy test and i know nth. and fuckin 20 days left to boulderactive and my finger strength hasnt even come back. much less to recover from its swellness.

great. academically im being labelled stupid by mrs tag for my poor maths results. physically im weak like anything without finger strength and swollen fingers. socially im gettin ignored by one of my closest friends im losing now. and suffering from heart torments everytime im with her. fuck this. just dont let emo monster take over me. life cant get worse den this